PDA – When Demands Feel Like Danger Reflection

Author: Jessica Briones

Date Published: 22/05/2026

Accessibility note: I intentionally did selective bolding throughout my blogs to support readability, skim reading, and easier information processing for neurodivergent readers and anyone who prefers scanning key ideas first 😊

Attending the Webinar

I recently attended a webinar presented by Kara-Lee James, a multi-neurodivergent child, youth and family counsellor, family therapist, lived experience neurodivergent educator and parent of children with PDA. The webinar explored Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), also referred to as Pervasive Drive for Autonomy, through a nervous system and relational lens rather than simply a behavioural one.

Before attending the webinar, I already had a basic understanding of PDA and had come across the term while working as a Developmental Educator and, at the time, a positive behaviour practitioner (PBSP). It was a term that seemed to appear quite often in conversations around neurodivergence, with fellow allied health and PBS colleagues and within their own presentations around the topic.

Because of this, I became increasingly aware and interested in understanding PDA beyond the externalised behaviours shown that are often what is first or foremost focused on in support settings, and more through the lens of what Kara best described as taking more time to understand nervous systems, lived experiences, and relational understanding, rather than simply viewing what appears as “challenging behaviour.”

In many ways, the webinar helped connect ideas I had intuitively felt and observed over time but did not quite yet have the exact language for, particularly understanding that underneath many behaviours, is often, a nervous system struggling with overwhelm, safety, autonomy and/or regulation that is screaming or alerting for needs to be understood and acknowledged first and foremost.

Looking Beyond Behaviour

Reflecting on this topic now, it also makes sense why PDA is so often discussed frequently within behavioural and support-based settings, as many of the traits associated with PDA are most noticeable during moments of overwhelm, distress or loss of control and where they are expressed externally through behaviour. In these spaces, it is understandable that practitioners may encounter more individuals who are identified, suspected or described as having a PDA profile.

At the same time, one of the key ideas reinforced throughout the webinar was the importance of looking beyond the behaviour itself, and considering what may be happening underneath from a nervous system perspective. Rather than only asking, “How do we manage this behaviour?”, the discussion encouraged a shift towards questions like:

  • What is the person communicating?
  • What feels unsafe here?
  • What might this nervous system be responding to?

This shift in awareness really stayed with me.

Labels, Frameworks and Understanding

Working in the disability space, over time, I have found myself focusing less on given labels and more emphasis on understanding the individual person in front of me. Such as, what helps the person I am supporting feel safe, comfortable, understood, and able to engage with the world around them.

I also recognise that diagnostic terms and neurodivergent frameworks are also incredibly validating and educational for many people, and myself included. To an extent that it can feel or be limited in description, they can also provide a space and language for experiences that may have previously felt isolating, confusing, misunderstood, overlooked or unfairly judged.

While no diagnosis or officially recognised term can fully capture the complexity of a person, learning more about frameworks, such as PDA, is a beneficial way to notice patterns, be aware of different nervous system responses, support needs, and lived experiences that may otherwise be overlooked or misunderstood.

I appreciated that this webinar explored the topic of PDA with sensitivity as well as a strengths-based understanding, particularly shifting away from purely deficit-based interpretations and towards understanding autonomy, overwhelm, regulation and the very human need to feel safe and in control.

It’s also worth noting that PDA itself is still a debated and evolving framework. While it is more frequently discussed in places such as Australia and the UK, it is not currently recognised as a standalone diagnosis in major diagnostic manuals such as the DSM-5. However, the fact that something is not yet formally classified does not mean the experiences behind it are not real or meaningful.

For many individuals, families, and practitioners, PDA offers language and understanding for patterns of anxiety, autonomy, distress, and nervous system overwhelm that may otherwise be misunderstood through seeing things from a purely behavioural interpretation. Also, some individuals may also experience overlapping presentations or be identified within behavioural frameworks such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) which is recognised within the DSM-5.

For readers unfamiliar with PDA, it is often described as a profile associated as a subtype of autism where everyday demands and expectations can trigger intense anxiety, particularly when a person experiences a loss of autonomy, pressure or perceived control.

Personal Reflections

As an autistic and neurodiverse person, I found myself relating to some aspects of the webinar, particularly around nervous system sensitivity, overwhelm, masking, and the pressure to perform or appear “fine” in professional and social settings, especially.

Although I generally see myself as someone who is calm, composed, reflective, and comfortable in my skin most of the time, I am also aware of how certain situations can quietly place strain on my nervous system over time.

Unexpected changes, me running late, disruptions to my usual routine, anticipation of a specific result, not knowing what is next or what to prepare for, performance expectations, a chronic battle with perfectionism, social demands, or even simply seeing too many people without enough recovery time to unwind are all things I experience as emotionally taxing, even when I may appear fine externally.

When Kara shared that many people with PDA may only fully “unload” once the pressure is removed and that they finally reach a place that feels safe enough to let go, I knew exactly what that looks like and deeply understood the feelings surrounding this experience.

There are many moments where I am able to hold things together externally, only to later recognise the extent of my overwhelm, exhaustion, anxiety, and/or shutdown once alone or in an environment where I feel emotionally safe enough to fully decompress and express what I carry internally.

I found myself relating when reflecting on experiences such as performance paralysis, procrastination, overwhelm around expectations, some of my most challenging parts of my teenage years, as well as the mental exhaustion that can come from constantly trying to manage social and work demands while appearing to function very well externally.

I also connected greatly with the topic of tone sensitivity, emotional authenticity, and sensitivity to power dynamics. Kara spoke about how many people with PDA are highly aware, not only of the words being said to them, but also of the emotional tone, pressure, hierarchy, or incongruence underneath interactions. She mentioned that children often “see through” interactions that do not feel emotionally genuine, safe, or connected, and I found myself relating a lot to these ideas.

Reflecting on my own experiences, there have been situations where I may have genuinely wanted to help, do more, engage, or participate in something, however the tone, delivery, pressure, or feeling of being spoken down to suddenly made the demand feel emotionally heavy or much harder to sincerely engage with.

In contrast, when communication feels collaborative, supportive, respectful, calm, and grounded in mutual care and understanding, I often find it much easier to engage naturally and willingly.

For the discussion around hierarchy and power dynamics, I tend to respond far better in environments where I feel respected, emotionally safe, and treated as an equal human being, rather than feeling controlled, diminished, or condescended to. Hearing people with PDA describe seeking equality in their relationships also related to my own sensitivities, my own need for emotional safety in relationships, and how the quality of an experience with another person ties into my own nervous system response; not only for PDA, but also for many human beings in general who simply share the same want to be treated with kindness, respect, and dignity.

The Practical and innovative tools share such as the declarative language tool was really cool to me. It was created by a passionate father who also works in disability and has children with PDA and who genuinely care about supporting others.

I think experiences like these, especially the more extreme ends of nervous system overwhelm, can sometimes be difficult for people who have not personally experienced significant levels of anxiety, masking, overwhelm, or nervous system sensitivity to fully understand from the inside. Without that perspective, behaviours linked to distress can sometimes be misunderstood as laziness, oppositional behaviour, unwillingness, or someone simply being “difficult,” rather than considering what may actually be happening for that person internally.

While I do not have all the answers, I do feel I have developed a greater level of understanding, empathy, and curiosity towards anxiety, overwhelm, and emotional dysregulation rather than automatically assuming someone is simply wanting to be difficult, “oppositional,” or unwilling.

What Stayed With Me

An idea I found particularly powerful was the topic of masking and what Kara described as “the gap between masking and collapse.”

The webinar explored how someone may appear to be coping externally while internally experiencing significant distress, pressure, or overwhelm at a particular moment in time. It points to the fact that what we see externally is not always the full story and that nervous system collapse can sometimes happen once a person reaches a place that feels safe enough to let go.

Another idea from the webinar that stayed with me was Kara’s reminder to “name it to tame it,” referring to the importance of recognising, acknowledging, and putting language to what may be happening internally within the nervous system. Rather than immediately reacting to behaviour itself, it encouraged slowing down enough to identify emotions, overwhelm, anxiety, sensory strain, pressure, or dysregulation underneath the surface first.

I appreciated this idea because sometimes simply feeling emotionally understood, validated, or able to identify what is happening internally can already help reduce shame, confusion, defensiveness, or further emotional escalation. It reinforced for me again, that emotional safety and understanding often need to come before problem-solving or behavioural expectations.

The invisible emotional load that is often experienced by both people with PDA and their families, such as the constant anticipation, emotional scanning, unpredictability, and exhaustion that can build over time, makes a lot of sense to me, especially the term accumulated relational stress experienced to describe it. When I heard that many families and people with PDA experience feeling like they are simply surviving each other rather than feeling emotionally safe together, it further emphasised to me, a need to bridge that divide by finding ways to repair relationships through focusing on emotional safety and understanding first.

The importance of moving away from hierarchy, control, and compliance-based approaches towards relationships built on trust, emotional authenticity, co-regulation, and repair was a no-brainer for me. I have always found that focusing on improving the quality of the connection between people is one of the most important steps.

Final Thoughts

Furthermore, I found myself reflecting on how easily professionals, educators, and support workers alike to internalise someone else’s distress as a personal failure, particularly when support strategies do not seem to “work” consistently.

One of the strongest takeaways was the reminder that the nervous system is not linear and that capacity fluctuates. Particularly in situations involving significant anxiety, overwhelm, trauma, burnout, or PDA-related distress, there is rarely a perfect strategy, quick fix or magic bullet that suddenly removes all struggle.

Reminding ourselves that capacity does fluctuate and can dramatically fluctuate day by day, moment to moment, and from environment to environment, makes it evident that we need to be less static in our approaches and not too hard on ourselves!

Someone who is not engaging well, shutting down, becoming distressed, or struggling despite support does not mean the people around them are failing or doing something wrong.

In many cases, what matters more than achieving a perfect outcome or constant compliance is continuing to offer a consistent and warm presence, emotional safety, patience, understanding, flexibility, kindness, and opportunities for repair. Helping to reduce the pressure, co-regulate, or simply remaining emotionally safe alongside someone has been described to be more impactful and meaningful than forcing behavioural change.

Another phrase that was important to me was the idea that home should become “less about performance and more about sanctuary.” This idea, I think, extends beyond the home environment and speaks to the kinds of relationships and spaces needed where people do not feel constant pressure to perform, mask, explain themselves, or prove their worth in order to feel safe, understood or accepted.

Lastly, I am appreciative of another new perspective from a fellow DE, and the insight, honesty, and nervous system-informed learning opportunity that was shared by Kara that encourages us to reflect more deeply on the importance of emotional and relational safety, autonomy, and not rushing to judge others’ behaviour without understanding that there may be more going on underneath it.

My shared and concluding thoughts to Kara were that the webinar also helped to remind me that I do not need to try to act as the “perfect regulator,” validating and easing me into a more reassuring thought that it is okay to continue learning alongside others, to simply try my best to repair moments of disconnection; and that having the intention of creating environments where people feel emotionally safe first rather than pressured to perform in any given way, is enough in itself.

Future Reading / Resources on PDA